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Apr. 25th, 2010

the word was suddenly tainted in my mouth
it was no longer savored.
how does he do it?
creep into my thoughts.
and stay there all day until i find a way to distract myself.
i hate him for it.
the fact that he has such a huge control over me,
and doesn’t even know it.
i had a dream..
about an unhappy reader
he decided to destroy the book
but it slowly became the artist
smothered by the reader's hostility..
i ran towards the torn book
held the tattered pages.
suddenly it became the artist
he was weeping.
i was weeping.

credit to loveyourchaos

You are the words that i type, the thoughts in my head, and the sigh in my throat.
I am yours. Every piece of me belongs to you, is because of you.
Every dream, every moan, every smile, every moment is you and belongs solely to you.
I never believed in this. I never believed in happiness, in love, and certainty not in romance.
I never believed it possible that i would fall asleep every night with this wild grin on my face;
I never believed the nightmares would stop. I never believed that every tear would to fill my eye would be happy. I was cynical.. was. Now, I am beautiful and not because i wasn't before, it was there, I suppose... sleeping, rather, waiting... to come to life, waiting for you, your warmth and your depth. It needed to take root in something other than sadness, other than anxiety, other than hopelessness. Then you found me and I came alive, I am yours and you are mine.
My cousin was physically/sexually/emotionally abused by her boyfriend all of last year. I saw how much that ruined her, how much he controlled her. But she wouldn’t accept help. I was the only person she told. She always talked about how she would never be in an abusive relationship. But she always went back to him. It would kill me seeing her suffer like that. I would cringe when I would see the bruises and how she would shy away from staring eyes and curious questions. She’s the strongest person i know and i love her to death. She has no idea how much I admire her for not having this affect her. But i never understood why she stayed with him for so long. She’s heard it all, the constant nagging, but she just wouldn’t get it… she convinced herself that he needed her. Then finally she opened her eyes. And now? She’s hurt… but much better. But now I see him treating his new girlfriend the same way, hopefully she’ll figure it out soon, that guys like that aren’t worth it.
one day..
i will give up on him
and that will be the happiest day of my life.
love doesn't exist.. you create it.
i am one sad sad individual.

im changing.

so fucking much.
no denying.
no more trying.
i just am.

i see how their words have changed.
the way they look at me has changed.
i’ve gotten so boring.
so fragile all of sudden.
its so hard to cope.
im hoping for something to just come along and solve everything.
but that option is lost.
im lost.

Jan. 19th, 2010

does it scare you when you feel like you're falling and you don't know how you haven't hit the bottom yet? you're just falling. endlessly.